Words of Encouragement

I just want to thank EVERYONE for all the feedbacks and messages of love you've all been sending me. Every little note, no matter how short it makes my day and never fails to put a smile on my face :) I'm shallow like that. Hahaha! But seriously, it means A LOT TO ME. Don't hesitate to send me MORE! Heheee!

And to everyone else who is going through and dealing with their own heartbreaks: if I was able to make it then I don't see any reason why you can't too. I was saved by God not because He loves me more or that I am closer to Him but because by His grace, He is able. He is God after all. We are all deserving of His redemption! In God's grace and love, you can overcome whatever obstacle or pain you may be in now. All you need is to trust and surrender your life to Him.

I am proud and really grateful to say that I am finally happy, GENUINELY HAPPY :) I've never felt this much joy and I've never been this contented with life.

Dealing with a Broken Heart: Day 7

Day 7

As you've noticed, I just updated my entry titles. I initially labeled them in sequence but then I realized there were 2 days I missed of which I decided not to blog about until now. I guess those were just two of the numerous days that I was completely down and refused to talk about it. If you guys haven't noticed, those were the two days before his birthday which I really fussed up about. But it's all over now and I guess the reason why I'm blogging about it is to remind myself of those two really bad days. I remember how burdened I felt then and how much thoughts ran through my head.

I probably have mentioned this in my previous entries but even during my healing period, the worst and most dreaded part of the day for me was waking up and having this empty feeling no matter how good I felt when I slept that night before. It used to be a cycle. I would wake up feeling empty then by the middle of the day, I'd start to realize things and be more accepting and pray myself to sleep to feel better then I'd wake up in the morning and I'm back to square one.

That lasted for a long while.

But this morning, I was awakened as the sun's rays penetrated my windows. It's been a while since I was "naturally" awakened-- not by an alarm clock or our maid knocking on the door. I woke up and for the very first time, I felt fulfilled and renewed! I was just really grateful that it took me a while to get out from bed because I was too busy indulging myself in the joy and peace I am blessed with. I couldn't help but stare out my window and just praise God.

Proverbs 16: All the ways of a man may be pure in his own eyes, but it is the Lord who proves it

Today, God has truly blessed me by finally switching the "pain button" off. I have been praying for this moment for the longest time and of course, it didn't happen in a snap nor was it a smooth sailing trip. It took a lot of patience and faith. There were bad and worse days wherein I would start to lose hope and I'd feel like God wasn't really listening to me. But I really had no other choice. Praying made me feel better, whether or not I was certain if He was listening.

Ecclesiastes 3: 1: "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.

A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to reap that which is planted.

A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to to mourn, and a time to dance.

A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.

A time to get and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."

There is a time for everything. We just have to be patient and not give up because it takes time to build beautiful things and believe me, it is worth the wait.

And as my "Dealing with a Broken Heart" journey comes to end, it is definitely just the beginning of something new. I may not be certain if I have completely moved on already but I know that waking up this morning and not having that empty feeling is already a good sign. I guess if there comes a day that I may start to feeling "something" again, I could just read back on these entries and be reminded by the lessons I have learned and blessings I have been showered upon. But I doubt it because I believe that with God, all things are possible.

Dealing with a Broken Heart: Day 6

Day 6:

I finally opened my blog to the public last night for a reason I wasn't really sure of. Some of you may have seen my Tumblr post, my Facebook status or my tweet. I never intended for this to be something to be read by a lot of people. Although I thought that would be really nice too, I just initially wrote down my thoughts and learnings for my own's sake and probably for my close friends to keep updated with me. But as I've mentioned, I was really hesitant for reasons like I don't want people whom I'm not close to, know about my situation and probably be seen as someone weak and stupid for falling for someone so unworthy in the first place.

This morning though, I was so overwhelmed to have received messages from the most unexpected people who have read my blog. It was the best way to start the morning because they were letters of encouragement and reassurance. I was in tears of joy because I realized that God has finally answered my prayers by using these people as instruments to my prayed for courage and strength.

But the blessings for today didn't stop there. I was able to attend a youth service in Victory Malate for the very first time. Thank you to my good friend, Louie Yao for inviting me! The whole week, I've looked forward to this day for the service. Ever since "it ended", I've always had this empty feeling-- emptiness that was once filled up and has been drained out. And like all things, we look for what is lost. I needed to find myself again and I believe today's service has just lifted my hopes up for that search. Today's message just reassured me and somehow commended me for what I'm doing and how I'm handling things, which I truly appreciate. I guess I needed that pat on the back and be told that I'm on the right track and that I'm almost there, just a little more patience and faith.

Message was about setting your problems aside, no matter how big it is and just focus your relationship with God. For it is not the measure of our problems or number of good deeds we've done that matter but our personal relationship with Him. And with this relationship, all else will follow.

Samuel 30:6

David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the Lord his God.

To those who personally know me and especially to those whom I'm really close with, you would know how imperfect I am and how much bad choices and decisions I have made. I don't know why I'm saying this but I guess I just want to reiterate the fact that this "unfortunate" event has REALLY deepened my relationship with God in ways I can't even imagine and I'm telling you, it's the best feeling in the world! With this reestablished relationship, I have found strength in the Lord. Strength that I may not have gotten merely from support and love from friends and family-- strength from Him, strong enough to encourage me to pursue with life and have faith for better days!

In addition, I have met new amazing people from today's service whom I'm really looking forward to getting close with! It's just really nice to be surrounded with such loving friends and people you share the same faith with.

Dealing with a Broken Heart: Day 5

Day 5:

I can't wait for the day when I see you and all the pain and bitter feelings are flushed away. Every part of my body and mind tells me to move on for I can write a long list of reasons why I should yet my heart seems to have a mind of its own and it still throbs everytime. I've never cared about anyone (besides my family and close girlfriends) this much before and it's self destructive to continue to do so.

I would be lying if I say I've never become bitter or that I have never planned vengeful thoughts in my head. At some point, I have-- we all have, of course. I guess it's because we want them to feel the same pain we are feeling or at least make them feel remorse for having hurt us. But I realized, it won't do us any good nor make us of a better person.

Proverbs 11:21 Truly the evil man shall not go unpunished, but those who are just shall escape

Proverbs 11:31 If the just man is punished on earth, how much more the wicked and the sinner

Lord God, I just lift D up to you. You know how much I care about him and how I wished I can be there for him through his good times and bad. But I'm done. I pray that sooner or later, he will find You in his own way.

I just want to share verses my cousin also shared with me and which I read before going to sleep and right when I wake up. I believe this gives me strength and faith to go through the day and still have a reason to wake up the next morning.

Ps 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

Ps 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds

Ps 62:5-8

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

Matt 11:28-30

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.

Anyway, Happy Birthday D! There's so much things I want to say but I'd rather just keep them to myself. Some things are better left unsaid and it's for my own good. God bless you!

Dealing with a Broken Heart: Day 2

Day 2:

After the weekend of my conversation with God wherein I felt so much better and realized a lot of things, I saw D again today at school. I felt the same shudder I've been having every time I see him. I was on verge of tears because this hasn't happened for the first time and I started to wonder how long this is going to take... And how much more of this I can bear. I pray every night about him and my feelings towards him. I just pray that my emotions could switch off. My cousin once reiterated to me the fact about how people wish they know how to turn their feelings off at some points in their lives especially when the pain is too unbearable and you just want to get away from it all. It's during these times that people resort to things they THINK can help get their mind off things-- some do vices, hurt themselves or in other words, go completely astray from God. I'm blessed enough though to have such a loving family and friends who made me realize about the other side of the coin. Sometimes, we feel so helpless and in such great despair, we self pity or worse, we start to give up. I realized though that these kind of times are blessings. It's the most beautiful blessing our God could ever give us because it's during these times that God call out to us. He is the only Person who knows where the main switch is and He's the Only One who can control and turn this off for us.

For it is only in darkness that we can see the light.

I'm taking it day by day... One step at a time. It's just been almost a month but I feel this has been going on for so much longer. I cry, I pray, I feel better then I see him and I cry again and the cycle goes on... But I pray and I BELIEVE there's an end to this. Someday, it will end with I feel better, I see him, period. No more crying. No more bitter feelings, just genuine happiness and peace.

Other than that, today's been a blessing because I was able to have a wonderful and beautiful conversation with a friend (Louie Yao), whom I'm not really close to until today. I sought for advice from her knowing she was once in my situation and most especially because of the fact that she's a Christian.

Here are some beautiful verses she shared with me :)

Romans 12:14

Bless those who persecute you,bless and do not curse.

Sufferings are blessings.

James 1:2-8

Consider it pure joy,my brothers,whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will

be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea,blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord;he is a double-minded man,unstable in all he does.

There's a time for everything.

Romans 8:18

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.

God takes away great things to pave the way for GREATER things :)

Dealing with a Broken Heart: Day 1

Despite the new "venting machine" called Twitter, I don't think anything could ever replace real blogging wherein you aren't constrained to speaking your thoughts in 14o characters. I guess one of the few reasons why I'm blogging again is that first of all, this blog has become my personal diary. Yes, I'd rather type my thoughts than write them. I am also not certain if anyone reads this and if anyone does, I wouldn't really know, which just makes me more comfortable in opening up. And of course, I'm also hoping someone does come across this and maybe learn a few things or at least, get to know me more. Second reason is that I've just recently gone through a heartbreak. It's not something I'm really proud of or fond of talking about (and now I've proclaimed it to the whole social world) but I guess I have to because despite the closing of the door, windows opened in my life and that's what I want to blog about.

A good cousin of mine, who is a pastor noticed the bitter statuses and rants I have on Facebook. If you're a teen, you'd most probably understand this. It was my way of expressing myself and coping up with the situation but after a while, I realized it wasn't healthy and that it was not giving me any good. I was just starting to sound like a pathetic bitter fool. My cousin was then thoughtful enough to empathize and counsel me.

It wasn't easy. There was a point when I was starting to have these stupid thoughts: that I will never be good enough for anyone and that it was all my fault. I was lost, confused and was on the verge on giving everything up. It affected my performance in school and my relationship with my family. But thank God for my friends and family that through them, He spoke to me. I realized that wasn't the end of it and ever since, I've been having so much revelations.

I just got on the phone with my cousin and he prayed with me. He also asked me to do something... He asked me to read the book of Proverbs, one chapter at a time and just indulge myself in His Words. And mind you, I've never read a Bible besides when we have to in class or during Homilies.

And that's how I introduce my most important reason why I'm blogging again. It's because I want to share with all of you my thoughts in relation to what I'll be learning from my readings.

Day 1:

Ever since, all I wanted was to change someone's life and be a good influence. Maybe that's why I kept myself around (let's hide him under the name) D, despite all the pain he brought me. I was too hopeful and was expecting I'd be able to change him. All I wanted was to lead him in the right direction because I know for a fact that he was lost and needed help and guidance. I kept giving reasons and the benefit of doubts for everything he did. I thought it was just a phase and eventually, he'd thank me for sticking with him even at his worst and for being one of the reasons why he's become a better person. But I guess I was wrong. The more selfless or better yet, more of a martyr and an fool I became, the more I was starting to lose myself. It's like giving him love that I can never get back, not that I was expecting any, but it was just a one way thing that didn't benefit me at all. Then I realized, what I've always wanted (to change someone's life) is nothing but a stupid fantasy.

I guess it's partly because of my wrong notion that I am responsible to bring as much people as I can towards God. I know that it IS part of it but before anything else, I realized that I have to prioritize myself too. I was so focused on helping out D that I was starting to forget myself, which isn't good. I tried to help him out but he didn't respond to them. It isn't really my fault now, is it. In relation to God, He reaches out to us everyday. He tries to call us every second of our life and it's our own choice if we respond to it or not.

Proverbs 3:24 "When he is dealing with the arrogant, he is stern. BUT TO THE HUMBLE, HE ALLOWS KINDNESS."

I've reached my rockbottom moment and it's about time I have to stop lying to myself that I'm alright because I'm not.

Now, I just have to focus on myself and those who are a good influence in my life. And if ever I do choose to help people, it would be those who aren't stubborn and are open hearted-- those who will appreciate my effort. And for the rest, there's nothing more I can do but to just pray for them :)