Dealing with a Broken Heart: Day 1

Despite the new "venting machine" called Twitter, I don't think anything could ever replace real blogging wherein you aren't constrained to speaking your thoughts in 14o characters. I guess one of the few reasons why I'm blogging again is that first of all, this blog has become my personal diary. Yes, I'd rather type my thoughts than write them. I am also not certain if anyone reads this and if anyone does, I wouldn't really know, which just makes me more comfortable in opening up. And of course, I'm also hoping someone does come across this and maybe learn a few things or at least, get to know me more. Second reason is that I've just recently gone through a heartbreak. It's not something I'm really proud of or fond of talking about (and now I've proclaimed it to the whole social world) but I guess I have to because despite the closing of the door, windows opened in my life and that's what I want to blog about.

A good cousin of mine, who is a pastor noticed the bitter statuses and rants I have on Facebook. If you're a teen, you'd most probably understand this. It was my way of expressing myself and coping up with the situation but after a while, I realized it wasn't healthy and that it was not giving me any good. I was just starting to sound like a pathetic bitter fool. My cousin was then thoughtful enough to empathize and counsel me.

It wasn't easy. There was a point when I was starting to have these stupid thoughts: that I will never be good enough for anyone and that it was all my fault. I was lost, confused and was on the verge on giving everything up. It affected my performance in school and my relationship with my family. But thank God for my friends and family that through them, He spoke to me. I realized that wasn't the end of it and ever since, I've been having so much revelations.

I just got on the phone with my cousin and he prayed with me. He also asked me to do something... He asked me to read the book of Proverbs, one chapter at a time and just indulge myself in His Words. And mind you, I've never read a Bible besides when we have to in class or during Homilies.

And that's how I introduce my most important reason why I'm blogging again. It's because I want to share with all of you my thoughts in relation to what I'll be learning from my readings.

Day 1:

Ever since, all I wanted was to change someone's life and be a good influence. Maybe that's why I kept myself around (let's hide him under the name) D, despite all the pain he brought me. I was too hopeful and was expecting I'd be able to change him. All I wanted was to lead him in the right direction because I know for a fact that he was lost and needed help and guidance. I kept giving reasons and the benefit of doubts for everything he did. I thought it was just a phase and eventually, he'd thank me for sticking with him even at his worst and for being one of the reasons why he's become a better person. But I guess I was wrong. The more selfless or better yet, more of a martyr and an fool I became, the more I was starting to lose myself. It's like giving him love that I can never get back, not that I was expecting any, but it was just a one way thing that didn't benefit me at all. Then I realized, what I've always wanted (to change someone's life) is nothing but a stupid fantasy.

I guess it's partly because of my wrong notion that I am responsible to bring as much people as I can towards God. I know that it IS part of it but before anything else, I realized that I have to prioritize myself too. I was so focused on helping out D that I was starting to forget myself, which isn't good. I tried to help him out but he didn't respond to them. It isn't really my fault now, is it. In relation to God, He reaches out to us everyday. He tries to call us every second of our life and it's our own choice if we respond to it or not.

Proverbs 3:24 "When he is dealing with the arrogant, he is stern. BUT TO THE HUMBLE, HE ALLOWS KINDNESS."

I've reached my rockbottom moment and it's about time I have to stop lying to myself that I'm alright because I'm not.

Now, I just have to focus on myself and those who are a good influence in my life. And if ever I do choose to help people, it would be those who aren't stubborn and are open hearted-- those who will appreciate my effort. And for the rest, there's nothing more I can do but to just pray for them :)